Каждый год авторитетный медиа-проект Fatherly выбирает лучших отцов США в разных категориях — спорт, культура, бизнес, инновации и наука. В 2020-м году по версии редакции Fatherly лучшим отцом года стал известный актер, отец троих детей Мэттью Макконахи.
Кроме того, что он безумно любит своих детей, американцев он впечатлил своим живым участием в борьбе с пандемией. В социальных сетях и на телевидении он постоянно выступал с призывом оставаться дома и не подвергать опасности других людей. Начал проводить он-лайн вечеринки в Zoom, в общем всячески пропагандировал соблюдение карантина.
Мы выбрали несколько самых ярких отрывков из интервью МакКонахи для Fatherly
Что самое классное в том, чтобы быть отцом?
Теперь я бессмертен. Это самое замечательное в родительстве. Тень, которую я оставлю в этом мире, обретает контуры — через моих детей. Теперь ты никогда не умрешь. Я всегда хотел быть отцом. Не просто иметь ребенка, но быть отцом и воспитать человека.
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Каждый день они напоминают, что они здесь. Все, что я могу сделать — это давать им пример или немного подталкивать. Я могу им говорить, что нельзя прикасаться к огню, но это не сработает так, как если бы они немного обожглись. Им нужно самим упасть с дерева — но не настолько высокого чтобы слишком сильно себе повредить. Я надеюсь, что они найдут то в чем они на самом деле хороши. Но что они будут любить делать и делать изо всех сил.
Какие ценности я хочу передать своим детям?
Я хочу, чтобы они были самостоятельными, совестливыми и уверенными. Я хочу, чтобы они полагались на собственные силы. Я хочу, чтобы они уважали себя и других. Уважение к другим начинается с уважения к себе. Я хочу, чтобы они могли доверять себе и, следовательно, могли доверять нам.
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Да, есть такие явления как карантин, пандемия. Но просто признаем, что пока у нас нет другого выбора — оставаться дома. Это шанс лучше узнать самих себя как семью. Будет заниматься нашими хобби. Постараемся лучше узнать страну, в которой живем.
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Еще одна вещь, которой я хочу научить своих детей. Понимание ценности отложенного вознаграждения. В практическим смысле это значит, что ты получишь то, что ты хочешь. Но позже. Сделай домашнее задание в пятницу, и тогда в субботу ты будешь свободен. И когда в выходной друг позовет тебя гулять ты будешь свободен, вместо того, чтобы ответить — извини, я не успел сделать уроки.
Именно ценности отложенного вознаграждения детей труднее всего обучить. Дети недавно спросили меня — за что мне вручили Оскар. И я ответил: а помните год с лишним назад вы меня спрашивали — папа, а почему ты так похудел? Почему у тебя шея как у жирафа? Я тогда много работал над своей ролью. Много сил тратил на то, чтобы сделать свою работу великолепной. И через год с лишним люди оценили мою работу и дали мне такую награду. И этот пример сработал. Инвестируешь сегодня, каждый день, а вознаграждение получаешь в будущем. Все что ты делаешь каждый день, как ты обращаешься с другими — ты пишешь резюме всей своей жизни.
Behavioral scientists use the term “punishment” narrowly to describe actions that decrease the likelihood that a specific behavior is repeated. And in that academic discipline, “negative” indicates removal. So from a parenting perspective, a negative punishment entails taking something your kids enjoy away from them to get them to discontinue a behavior. Do your kids keep bickering? You take away their screen time. Does your teenager continue to exude sass after numerous warnings? They don’t get to hang out with their friends on Friday night.
But can parents use negative punishment effectively? And if it’s part of their parenting tool kit, just how should it be used?
What is Negative Punishment?
Negative punishment is an essential concept in behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner‘s “theory of operant conditioning,” which he studied extensively in the 1930s. But importantly, his experiments used rats and pigeons as subjects — it’s not the best idea to extrapolate his findings into the emotional dynamics of a parent-child relationship. Still, from a raw behavioral standpoint, he understood that addition, subtraction, pleasure, and pain were all variables that could be strategically implemented to change behavior.
Skinner’s work is partly why punishment carries unhelpful overtones as parents think about modifying their child’s behavior. “I generally try not to label consequences as punishments as it attaches a negative connotation and offsets the learning objective you are trying to teach the child,” explains Dr. Rashmi Parmar, a psychiatrist with MindPath Care Centers. In other words, negative consequences may be a better way to frame the tactic.
There’s a difference between taking something away from your kid in an attempt to change their behavior and taking something away from them because you want to get back at them on some level. So keep the tool of negative consequences in your box, but use it with thoughtfulness and precision.
Negative Punishment Examples Parents Should Avoid
Parents must choose consequence carefully. Restricting a privilege, for instance, requires kids don’t access it through other means, otherwise, the original consequence will lose its meaning. Further, all the family members must be on the same page of limit setting. Try to identify and remove the trigger that leads to a child’s negative behavior. Empathize with the child and provide support even while trying to apply a consequence.
The consequence should also be related to the behavior. If you are trying to get your kid to adhere to screen time limits, taking away their cell phone or tablet makes a lot more sense than taking away a random non-screen item or grounding them from social activities.
“I generally recommend parents to avoid taking away things that will help kids manage their emotions positively during the consequence, such as stress toys, coloring, or drawing,” advises Parmar. “And I don’t recommend holding kids back from attending rare or special occasions like a graduation party or a birthday celebration that they can’t re-experience.”
She warns that the danger is that levying such a consequence can cause your child to harbor hard feelings toward you. And if you, as the parent, have to miss out on the event to supervise your child, you may be sowing seeds of resentment toward your child.
As a matter of practicality, it’s seldom a good idea to take away constructive things that contribute to the overall learning and development. “Parents should avoid taking away hobbies or extracurricular activities like sports or drama. And misbehavior may call for increased monitoring, don’t rush to take away tools that the child needs for their daily routine, such as a school-issued laptop,” Dr. Parmar says.
How to Effectively Use Negative Consequences
It’s best to avoid jumping straight to the nuclear option. When determining an appropriate consequence, the first challenge is to approach the decision from a place of poise and rationality. “The consequence needs to be realistic, logical and defined to a specific period that matches up to the gravity of the negative behavior you are trying to correct,” Parmar says.
Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
“Consequences that are loo long in length also introduce the danger of the child getting distracted from the goal and eventually not caring about the consequence at all,” explains Parmar. “If the child feels like the target is too impossible to achieve and there is nothing else to motivate them on a short term basis, he or she will most likely refuse to participate or follow directions.”
Admittedly, effective discipline requires a clarity of thought that can be difficult to grasp in the heat of the moment. There’s no shame in giving yourself a time-out when things get intense. It’s better to give yourself the time and space to make a wise decision than it is to allow impulsivity to guide your discipline.
The relationship between fathers and sons is the connective tissue that runs through both The Sopranos — arguably one of the greatest TV series of all time — and its new prequel film, The Many Saints of Newark, out this week on HBO Max. Set in the late ’60s and early ’70, in gritty New Jersey, the movie charts the rise and fall and rise of the Soprano family through the eyes of fellow mobster Dickie Moltisanti (Alessandro Nivola). The deeply affecting film is the brainchild of David Chase, the creator of The Sopranos, starring Jon Bernthal as a younger version of Tony Soprano’s dad, Johnny Boy, who was a peripheral, yet key figure during the series.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
- Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
“Consequences that are loo long in length also introduce the danger of the child getting distracted from the goal and eventually not caring about the consequence at all,” explains Parmar. “If the child feels like the target is too impossible to achieve and there is nothing else to motivate them on a short term basis, he or she will most likely refuse to participate or follow directions.”
Admittedly, effective discipline requires a clarity of thought that can be difficult to grasp in the heat of the moment. There’s no shame in giving yourself a time-out when things get intense. It’s better to give yourself the time and space to make a wise decision than it is to allow impulsivity to guide your discipline.
Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
“Consequences that are loo long in length also introduce the danger of the child getting distracted from the goal and eventually not caring about the consequence at all,” explains Parmar. “If the child feels like the target is too impossible to achieve and there is nothing else to motivate them on a short term basis, he or she will most likely refuse to participate or follow directions.”
Admittedly, effective discipline requires a clarity of thought that can be difficult to grasp in the heat of the moment. There’s no shame in giving yourself a time-out when things get intense. It’s better to give yourself the time and space to make a wise decision than it is to allow impulsivity to guide your discipline.
Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
“Consequences that are loo long in length also introduce the danger of the child getting distracted from the goal and eventually not caring about the consequence at all,” explains Parmar. “If the child feels like the target is too impossible to achieve and there is nothing else to motivate them on a short term basis, he or she will most likely refuse to participate or follow directions.”
Admittedly, effective discipline requires a clarity of thought that can be difficult to grasp in the heat of the moment. There’s no shame in giving yourself a time-out when things get intense. It’s better to give yourself the time and space to make a wise decision than it is to allow impulsivity to guide your discipline.
Grounding your teenager for a month the first time they break curfew is overkill. That kind of overreach can feel retributive and adversarial, not putting them in a great place to learn from their mistakes.
“Consequences that are loo long in length also introduce the danger of the child getting distracted from the goal and eventually not caring about the consequence at all,” explains Parmar. “If the child feels like the target is too impossible to achieve and there is nothing else to motivate them on a short term basis, he or she will most likely refuse to participate or follow directions.”
Admittedly, effective discipline requires a clarity of thought that can be difficult to grasp in the heat of the moment. There’s no shame in giving yourself a time-out when things get intense. It’s better to give yourself the time and space to make a wise decision than it is to allow impulsivity to guide your discipline.
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